there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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