I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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