I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
