she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
