i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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