They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize