tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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