OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
