How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
that may or may not have been my penis.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
