gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize