ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
