I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
