chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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