Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
