the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
