I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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