That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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