Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
