I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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