Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
