I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
