Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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