hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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