Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
