Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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