halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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