I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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