i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
