God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
