dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
