she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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