I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
