Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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