Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
