Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
