his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
