We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
