My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
