She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
