Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
