Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Life without a bra equals bliss.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
