hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
