Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Soap is not a condiment
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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