You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
