everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
