Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
