So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
