He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
