i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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