I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
