I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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