there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
