Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
