It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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